What You’re supposed to feel

In the Marines, the gas chamber was a new experience every time, but the first time changed my perspective for life.

Keep in mind I have an unusually small head. While shopping for sunglasses, I’m always happy to find some without Mickey Mouse or dinosaurs on them. So, needless to say, finding a gas mask that fit my XS head was literally impossible. I always felt the gas seep in from every edge. I felt the burn in my sinus cavity and it terrified me. I had no idea what I was supposed to feel, but I knew I was of no use to them if they killed me; that’s all I had to trust.

The first time I went to the gas chamber, I remember looking around with terror. I began to feel that burn and my terror compounded immediately. I began to look around at the other fifty plus women standing in that chamber and we were all full of the same terror and despair. The woman beside me began to make noises through her tears and cry uncontrollably. I was afraid for her and afraid for me. But suddenly, I realized something as I looked at our Drill Instructor. She was calm. At that moment, I understood I was feeling exactly what I was supposed to feel, terror. I took the hand of the young woman beside me and saw her tears subside. She immediately calmed. I watched her take the hand of the young woman beside her and the chain reaction began. We needed to know that was what we were supposed to feel. The gas chamber became a new space, a space for all of us to feel strength and comradery.

I relate this story to my life and my health often anymore. I know as a person thriving with PTSD, terror is not what I’m supposed to feel everyday or even often. Feeling something is. It has taken me a long time and a whole lot of effort to be able to name my feelings, and I have learned how it calms my brain to do so. It brings me order. It reminds me there’s always enough space for me as long as I gift myself with it. Space for me and what I’m supposed to feel are two things that mean something totally different to me today. My God has “space for me”, space for me to be truthful about what I feel and just grateful He’s there with me. He doesn’t expect or want me to lie about it every time and say it’s joy that I feel. Nope, if it’s terror, it’s terror, and we talk about it. Whether it’s real or imagined I just trust we can work through it and He’s with me all the way. Man, it’s a whole lot better way of life and me “fighting the good fight” is not me fighting against myself anymore. That was chaos; that was the illusion of a battle, no thank you!

With sexual trauma behind me, I find it difficult to connect with my own body and my feelings; this exercise has helped tremendously. It is my most used way to stay grounded and truthful about how I feel. I do this every morning or if I notice any anxiety rise up. I write or ask myself:

“What does my body say?” I go through every thing physically my body feels, at the moment, with absolutely no judgement.

“What does my mind say?” I brainstorm everything on my mind, big and small. It may look like a list of to-dos or a big mess; it doesn’t matter.

“What does my heart say?” I name every emotion. I don’t require an explanation from myself and sometimes I have to ask for help from God or a list of emotions, because they’re still difficult at times, to label.

“What does the Spirit say?” Usually some expression of love will come to mind; I am always impressed with my ability to have presence and just trust here.

I’m so thankful for the supports I have now & for every one of those Marine Women who taught me more life lessons than they will ever know!

Give me that ol’ creative spirit

O.k., maybe creativity doesn’t come in a spirit form but it definitely has Divine qualities in our brain & for our lives. According to Forbes magazine, creativity assists us with our overall health & happiness! There have been numerous studies on the subject & so much information supports the theory, ALMOST ANY FORM OF CREATIVITY IS GOOD FOR US.

This is really good for those of us that struggle with our creative juices. That means, even with the help of a coloring sheet or a person or site guiding us into that creative realm can increase our focus & improve our memory & possibly even help us overcome trauma from our past. CREATIVITY DOES AMAZING THINGS FOR US, so it’s not a waste of productive time; it is productive time!

I have a hypothesis. Oh wait! It’s not a hypothesis; it’s supported by research as well! When we take one positive action, we are more likely to have more positive actions in our life. Therefore, if we increase our creativity & our happiness & our health improve, then my relationships & other areas of my life should improve as well! Thank God for the fun I’m about to have creating; I hope you enjoy something creative today for your life as well!

Broken muscle fiber

My son & I love staying in a motel. We’re on a trip this weekend to meet a brother of his he’s never met & what an awesome experience to be part of. Although, I must admit it’s the little things on a trip that make it just as awesome as the big things, like breakfast!

I don’t eat all the fun stuff at the free continental breakfast but I love that it’s there. There’s something about choice that just makes my heart sing; if I wanted those sprinkles on a delicious sugary waffle I could have them. I wake around four in the morning, so I take my time in this glorious space of choices in the AM and I love it! As I walked in for my second breakfast this morning, I felt a little misplaced & began to judge those waffle eaters around me. I didn’t judge what they were eating, I judged that they were judging me. I approached the table I had sit at before my workout and this time it was full people similar in age to myself eating yummy stuff & living it up. Meanwhile, I come in smelly & gross with my boiled eggs & water. I wondered if people were looking & glad they were living it up a little. (It never seems to work out well for me when I get in someone else’s head.)

I picked up my phone & did a little reading on the irony of the cross & Christ & it brought me home, to me. The broken fibers in my body will grow back stronger with the nourishment they were fed. I don’t believe we are ever broken as in the soul or spirit, but maybe the fiber of my being is broken through pain & my hope, my thanks, my friends & supports, all that my Beautiful Higher Power provides, build & nourish. Pretty awesome right!

Hmmm, that’s all of you; wow, what a change in thought. So, a little suffering & a playful, love filled LIFE in this fiber, with two rusty knees from all the play. So I guess I’m thankful this morning for my choice, but also that we all have them…really, how great is that!!

Jiu JITSU trumps trauma

How could you? Why would you & what do you think it will be like? To go to jiu jitsu class, where you experience, well trauma, regularly by all appearances.

Trauma - a. Serious injury to the body, as from physical violence or an accident

b. Severe emotional or mental distress caused by an experience

~Free Dictionary https://www.thefreedictionary.com/trauma

In short, to overcome it.

I am an early bird; getting up at 4 AM, that’s my jam. Love it! I love the space in the air, the quiet & the slowness that I don’t permit myself to experience other parts of the day. As I sat quietly in my serene space recently, I lain my hands on my lap & enjoyed time with my Lord. I lay one hand on top of another without a thought of how…and breathed. Immediately a new jiu jitsu skill ran through my head! I look down and realize my hands are clasped in a gable grip and my body has remembered. My body remembers the times of being out there on that awesome mat, with these amazing people that have taught me trust, more than it remembers trauma.

My body leans into learning these “skills” now that could protect someone with a playful eagerness. Sound effects come out of my mouth as I transition from one move to another. My mind becomes child like and it is one of my favorite things on earth now, but HOW? How did that happen?

Every morning, I start firing my new 1,400 possible brain cells with jiu jitsu in my planner. I know that my brain recalls it better if I put it to a hard copy rather than a device, so, I write. I make my brain recall what I learned the previous day and see myself do it all in my head. My mind is clear when I’m there, my muscles relax and I form something art like with my body. My inflammation from previous triggers goes down & my stress hormones can be digested. This means my blood flows more freely; all of my organs have the potential to operate better, including my brain. My mind goes into a state of creativity and connections are made between different areas of my brain and my body. My body heals with every good experience I have with all of these movements that used to trigger me.

Yep, it happened and I freakin’ faced every one of them. But the good news is with all the processing, all the facing instead of avoiding, it’s gotten better. Not a little bit better, A LOT! So, my planner & jiu jitsu have helped heal my brain!